A holiday on the Island of the Gods is a no-brainer, but what sort of digs deliver the most memorable stay? Our duelling experts help you decide.
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VILLAS
By Amy Cooper
Bali being as beaut as it is, this one's really two ways to win - wherever you unpack your suitcase. But I'm voting for a private villa. What's the advantage? The clue's in the name. While the Island of the Gods sure is heavenly, hell is other people and if you can photoshop those pesky randomers out of your holiday snaps, why not?
Whether your personal Bali bliss is hedonistic, family-friendly or just splendidly self-absorbed, it'll always be better with one essential ingredient: privacy.
Within your own walled oasis, you'll dodge all the detritus of daquiri-fuelled humanity: the inaugural married arguments of honeymooners; the Facetimer for whom a holiday is meaningless unless live-streamed at top volume right beside your head; the creepy dude lurking at the swim-up bar like a marine parasite; the off-brand Eat Pray Love "healer" seeking to en-lighten your wallet with an overpriced wooden phallus.
And everyone else's kids.
Communal hotel pools, even the luxe-est ones, are jungle watering holes where little savages can bleat, play, shove all around your sun lounger, shattering even the serenest spiritual vibes.
Private villa pools keep those kids out, and even better - yours in. Contained in their own oasis your tiny trippers can splash up a storm in a flotilla of floaties, without death stares.
Villas and their super-equipped kitchens are perfect for those whose meals still come in bottles (nope Mal, I don't mean me, at least not before 4pm), plus diners with dietaries or anyone reluctant to risk restaurant roulette and Bali belly. But it's unlikely you'll need to cook. Bali villas often boast butlers, the elite of their kind. In a villa at Seminyak's five-star The Club by the Legian in Seminyak, our butler Vina's apparent telekinesis could make a picnic banquet soundlessly appear in our outdoor dining bale while she simultaneously refilled the drinks cabinet, booked a massage and ran an outdoor bath.
Hotel buffets in Bali can bestow a fusion experience of waffles, beef rendang, French omelettes, nasi goreng and coco pops.
Ah, outdoor baths. And skinny dipping, and - um, al fresco romantic stuff. These hedonistic villa bonuses are potentially arrestable offences if conducted in a hotel context.
If you're rolling with a mega-squad or a multi-generational clan, Bali's biggest villas put you in your own tropical postcode. Palaces like Seminyak's Cotton House, with eight bedrooms, four pavilions and 600 metres of manicured lawns could fit a couple of hotel suites in the butler's pantry. Canggu's 10-bedroom Soori Estate has its own helipad and five infinity pools, and Ubud's Villa San has a loft studio for painting.
Steam rooms, saunas, yoga pavilions, meditation temples, vast hammocks cantilevered over scenic clifftops - there's no end to the amenities you'll monopolise in a Bali villa. But best of all, your piece of paradise comes with priceless peace in paradise.
HOTELS
By Mal Chenu
The "Island of the Gods" offers a range of divine accommodations - hotels and resorts, private villas, backpackers and, for some on footy trips, surrounded by empty Bintang cans on Kuta Beach. Aussies have tried all of these with varying degrees of success, either posting rave reviews on TripAdvisor, or in the latter case, following up with a night or two in the Boogie Board Suite in Kerobokan.
But as we are comparing just hotels and private villas, let's start with the brekky/brunch buffet. Hotel buffets in Bali can bestow a fusion experience of waffles, beef rendang, French omelettes, nasi goreng and coco pops. Try ordering that at a private villa! And at hotels such as the Legian, Renaissance Uluwatu and Tanah Gajah in Ubud, you can belly-up to this cornucopia of cuisines on a floating breakfast tray in the pool.
Right, what's next? Ah yes, the hotel day spa. Fitness classes, yoga, gym, sauna, jacuzzi, teeth whitening, massages, facials and realigned chakras. All in one place because you're staying in a hotel. Meanwhile, back at the villa, breakfast should be arriving any minute now. Well, hopefully before lunchtime anyway. Or you can go to the shops, buy the supplies and cook it yourself.
Bali is blessed with an abundance of luxe hotels and resorts, and they all come with manned and fully stocked bars, excellent restaurants, room service, sporting facilities and Wi-Fi. Trusty concierges will hook you up with reliable transport and first-rate external dining options. Accepting a similar tip from a random at your private villa could see you riding in cousin Ketut's rusty three-wheel becak to auntie Ni Putu's deep-fried mystery protein wayang.
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There are exceptional and amenity-rich hotels and resorts all over Bali, but Nusa Dua on the Bukit Peninsula hosts the greatest concentration, taking advantage of what many consider to be the island's finest coastline and coral reef system, best golf courses and pre-eminent water sports venue. Hedonistic hotels here include the Mulia, the Grand Hyatt, the Ritz-Carlton and the Laguna Resort & Spa, which boasts five restaurants and seven lagoon-style pools with waterfalls. The uber-luxe St Regis is home to Remede Thalassotherapy day spa, 24-hour butler service and an educational kids' club, while at the Sofitel, you can enjoy the premium French brand's sumptuous signature Kwee Zeen buffet, and wade through a tributary from your room to the main pool and its swim-up bar and cafe.
And you'll find similarly heavenly hotels in Uluwatu, Seminyak, Legian, Petitenget, Jimbaran, Sanur and beyond.
Private villas can be very nice but formal quality control can be as relaxed as a gecko in the sunshine. They are generally set on a single level too, while Balinese hotels offer several floors of services, activities and facilities. But that's another "storey".